Never Again

Never Again will I cry because the test says postitive.
Never Again will I hate the queeziness.
Never Again will I complain, "I look so Fat!"
Never Again will I count the 40 weeks till its over.

Never Again will I whine over 2 am feedings.
Never Again will I get upset over being pooped, peed and puked on.
Never Again will I argue over whos turn it is to change the diaper.
Never Again will I pray for silence.

Never Again will I be mad over spilt milk.
Never Again will I be embarrased over public tantrums.
Never Again will I wish for bathroom time alone.
Never Again will I desire the days of freedom.

Never Again.

Laid to Rest

I meant to blog earlier just didn't find the time to do it.

Kiersten Rylee Peterson was laid to rest Friday October 19th, 2007 at 1pm in Mesa City Cemetery. She had the tiniest casket. It was pink fuzzy on the outside and silky white on the inside.

We got to see her again... just an hour before the funeral. It was amazing. We put all the gifts from family. She has about 4 teddy bears, 3 baby dolls and more jewelry than I wear. LOL a baby diamond ring and 3 charm necklaces.

I can just picture her in heaven having little tea parties with her teddies. I wonder do they serve red wine and bread to infants in heaven? Or does she get grape juice? **grins**

As for my mental health... Im doing pretty well. Yes I cry...Alot...usually alone in the shower. But I get up in the morning. I still laugh and crack jokes. I still go shopping for groceries and shower daily. I dont pop pills or hide behind a nice bottle of Jack. I have alot to live for... My husband... my children... my family. And I know that my baby girl wouldnt want me to wallow in self pity. She would want her mommy to continue to be a mommy.

She was there at the funeral... her spirit was there. I almost fainted. I leaned against my husband and he held me up. I looked up...

I see her tiny casket... the beautiful blanket of pink mini roses that laid across. There she was... a tiny lavender blue butterfly... no bigger than a dime. It had golden edges on its wings. It just fluttered from pink rose to pink rose. I knew it was her. It made me smile. She was letting me know... its okay.

I am ready to live again.

Stars

Just cause I didnt know what else to do at the moment... I decided to blog. I guess writing helps my mind. Its been my venting room forever... its now turned into a personal diary. A log of events. I want to save these forever. Maybe a blog for her? We all know I can design it...lol. I need a place to talk to her.

I miss her so much. I miss the kicking. I miss that feeling of having a baby inside of me. I felt so strange being wheelchaired out of the hospital... empty handed. Its strange going though the postpartum without having the joy of a baby... making the pain worth it.

This was the first time I ever asked for drugs for the contractions. I ALWAYS tough it out. I think this time I wasnt mentally able to stick with it. My heart knew what was waiting at the end. It wasnt going to be a happy ending. I feel guilty for taking the drugs. They effect the baby too. I wanted it to be as painless as possible for her.

I thought at first that I didnt want to hold her. But I did. I needed it. I wanted to say good bye to her. My heart was sooo set on her having a little bit of life inside of her. Just that moment that she can hear my voice. The comfort of it and not be scared when she passed. Was she confused? All the pushing of my uterus around her? Was it the drugs? Did it slow her heart?

I cant turn back the clock. I cant bring her back to me. I wish there was something more that I could have done for her. I am searching for a research foundation for her cause. I hope they have one. I want to spend her birthday money as a donation to her cause.

Im keeping the blanket the wrapped her in. Its all I have left of her. I didnt even get the ultrasound pictures. Do you think they save them? Maybe they will give me copies.

Tomorrow Michael and I are heading to Phoenix to finalize the burial plans. She will be laid to rest on Friday in Phoenix.

Katie asks if there is another baby in my belly. I dont mind it. Really I dont. I love it when she wants to go outside and look for her baby sister's Angel. She tells me, "I dont see her mom." I giggle. I find her innocence so comforting. My mom took her outside last night... they came to a conclusion... that maybe the stars are all the Angel babies. :) I like that idea. Now I cant stop watching the stars.

I will blog again tomorrow afternoon about the funeral arrangements.

A Bittersweet Sorrow

The contractions didn't start till 5am this morning. They came 2-3 mins apart and 30 secs long. By 8am I was ready to push.

Kiersten Rylee Peterson was born at 8:14am. Her spirit left her before she entered the world. The stress of the contractions were too much for her. Little kiersten was stillborn. I never got to really say goodbye. She was 9oz and 10 inches long. She was perfect. She looked like her big sister Kenna.

I am home but using me cell because I don't have the energy to go into my office. I will write more later....

Baby Update

They approved me to be induced. I'm heading to Phoenix around 6am Monday morning. I have to be in the area by 8am. They will call me as soon as a bed is available. Thank you EVERYONE for your ongoing prayers and support. I love you all. <3

I probably wont blog again till after Monday.

Good Samaritan

Yesterday I went to Phoenix to a Doctor up there. This Doctor will be the one to induce me.

She went over the procedures. She has to get approval from an Ethnics committee before proceeding. Makes sense since I am 20 weeks (5 months) today. She said she is 100% positive that they will approve it. She will call me today and let me know for sure.

She wants to do it Monday. I dont have the exact time yet. I will find that out later today. So yes that means a blog update. lol

The place that is doing it is called Good Samaritan. They are amazing. They will have wee clothes for the baby. They will take pictures of the baby. Although I dont think I will bring them home immediately. I think pictures are for happy moments. But they keep them on file for a while. They also do hand prints and foot prints. The baby will get a birth certificate as well.

Im scared to do this. I feel like I am playing God in so many ways. But I keep telling myself I am giving this child a better life if I do it now and not later. Later will cause the baby more suffering.

I feel it move less and less. The lack of fluid is not giving it too much room to move around. I want it to move. Its reassuring that its not suffering in me when it moves.

Katie knows now. I told her the baby has Angel wings. And God needs the baby to help him in Heaven. So the baby has to go to Heaven instead of coming home. She cried. She said she wanted to have a baby. So i told her that maybe later we can have another baby. She smiled and said she would like that.

Michael is doing better. He wants to take the baby's foot prints and put them on a branding iron along with his signature. So he can brand all the furniture he makes with it. I think its a great idea.

As for a funeral... we dont know when it will be yet.... probably later next week. Many are asking if they can come. Im not sure how Michael feels about it. I dont know if he wants it family only. Or just the two of us. I will let everyone know in time. Talking and planning a funeral for a baby that is still alive is killer. So Im sure you all can understand.

Michael is back to work which is a good thing. He went back on monday. And I have been trying to keep busy here too. Keeps my mind off things.

Well i need to get busy around the house today. My mom will be here this weekend.

I will do an update blog when the DR calls.

<3

Information and Pictures

I was doing some research and wanted to post it here.

Potter's Syndrome with pictures.

Detailed information on the condition Unilaterial VS Bilaterial

The Second Opinion

Yesterday (Monday) I had my appointment with a high risk pregnancy place in Phoenix, AZ. It was recommended by Michaels Aunt who is expecting her baby 4 weeks before mine. She gotz da hook ups. **giggles** Just trying to make light in a hard situation. ;)

Boy was I impressed with that place. It was called Phoenix Perinatal. I give it 5 stars! Anyways...the tech came in and I told her what we expected so she didnt need to be hush hush about whats going on and have the Dr. come in to explain it to us thinking I was going to break down over the news. I didnt want them to have that fear of how the mother might react to the bad news. But I did tell her we MUST know the sex so if she can please at least give us that happy news.

She did her thang. Explaining the Brain, the heart and measuring the babies legs etc... She told me the babies legs were soooo tight together that it was going to be impossible to see the sex of the baby. I know she felt so bad for telling us that... because its the only unexpected news she can give us. So we will have to wait till the birth.

She left to get the Doctor. He returned with two young students. I guess I was a rare case. But if me being under study will bring light to other families in the future Im all for it. Because no parents should ever have to go through this. EVER.

The doctor was soooo sweet. He spoke very calmly and in a soft tone. It was soothing. He showed me things the other place didnt. He showed me where the kidneys are supposed to be. He flipped a switch that highlighted the blood flow in the babys body. He showed me were there were supposed to be arteries to the kidneys and bladder. And there wasnt. So this is how he is 100% certain that there are NONE. He said the shape of the babys head is fine and its brain formed correctly. He even looked at my ovaries to make sure they werent the culprit. They checked out fine. He showed me what my fluid should look like by comparing it to my bladder. The dark area around the baby seen in most ultrasounds.... thats the amniotic fluid. Well there was NONE.

So in conclusion... the diagnosis is still the same. The baby is missing its kidneys and bladder. But we have a 100% assurance that this is the correct diagnosis. No what ifs.

I have an appointment on Thursday in Phoenix with a new Doctor. This Doctor is my OBGYN. He/She will induce me in Phoenix. We dont have a date on that now. Im sure I will find out a date on Thursday.

Michael's grandma is here with me now. She flew in from Florida to help out. My mom is driving from northern Ca either on Sat or Sunday. And thats about it when it comes to family. But I want it that way... too many people is going to stress me the hell out. Ya know ;)

As for my mental state... Im doing better. No tears since Saturday. But just thinking about planning a burial for a child that I can still feel ALIVE inside of me is hard. So my emotions will surely change then.

Im still not returning phone calls. I know everyone feels sorry and are praying and wishes there was something they can do but talking about it over and over again isnt doing me any good. I appreciate the gestures. But hashing it out and explaining it makes me cry. And my brain is tired of crying...seriously.... the migraines. And because I am still pregnant regardless of the condition... i refuse to take any meds. The only people I am talking to telephonically are my parents.. so if you are family please seek answers through them and dont take it personally if Im not calling you back... friends... you are stuck with my blogs or texting. Text messaging is easier than talking about it. Thank you for understanding.

What Lies Ahead

I had my dr apt today. She didnt tell me anything I already didnt know or didnt look up online at 2am this morning when I couldnt sleep.

I made my appointment to see a High Risk Ultrasound Specialist in Phoenix. It's on Monday at 11am. Im sure the outcome wont be any different but I wouldnt go on not knowing. But I will be damn sure they tell me the sex this time.

We are planning on being induced in Phoenix as well. This is closer to family on both sides. The baby is covered under Michaels life insurance as long as the heartbeats once outside the womb. We are planning on a proper burial for it in Phoenix.

Thank you for all your kind words of hope and strength... They all mean soo much to me.

I didn't spend the day crying like yesterday. I actually went shopping at Target and got McKenna a tricycle and had lunch at Chilis. I figured either I can mope around wishing things were different or I can enjoy the time I have with those that mean the most to me. I have never looked at my children in a different light before now. Its almost like I am seeing them for the first time. That first laugh... that first smile. Even Kenna's tantrums today were all worth it. It has opened my eyes to what I am blessed with... I am lucky to have them for some don't even carry their first to term.

We talked about trying again... not anytime soon. Many ask how "WE" are doing. And "WE" couldnt be any stronger. If it wasnt for him... I think I would be finding the highest bridge over the busiest highway. He has shown me there is more to live for and life will be ok again.

I will blog again after Monday. It most likely wont be happy news.

For those wishing to know more... the baby has Renal Agenesis and Potters Syndrome Type II. Google has been my best friend.

I love you all ... till monday.

And then there were three again....

I had a sleepless night last night. I had this nagging in my head that they were going to find something wrong with the pregnancy in my ultrasound today. Because I haven't gained weight and I'm losing it.

I guess my feelings are all true.

Come to find out the baby doesnt have any kidneys or a bladder. The baby is swallowing the amniotic fluid but isnt "peeing" it back out to continue the natural cycle. The baby is just absorbing it. So my amniotic fluid is low. And it will eventually run out. Once that starts to happen the baby's lungs will not develop because it needs that motion of inhaling the fluid to strengthen the lungs. Also with no amniotic fluid the cord runs risk of drying out and cracking. This will cause the baby to die. The baby is living now. but for how long? If I do carry it to term the baby will die out of the womb because we need the kidneys to live. A transplant at birth is an option with the exception of the lungs. The lungs will not be developed.

I am going to see my DR. tomorrow (i will probably blog again). We are planning on getting a second opinion just in case. But I dont think the outcome will change.

I am going to request that I am induced because I do not BELIEVE in having it "scraped out (D & E)." So I will have it naturally the way God intended it to be. We are looking into our insurance to see if it is covered for a burial. We will probably have it done in Phoenix not here because there is family there and well will go back there.

I never found out if it was a girl or a boy....I hope its a girl now... because my husband wanted a son sooo bad. I saw him cry for the first time today. I only wish they were tears of joy.

Feeling my baby still moving is killing me. Knowing that in a few weeks/months it wont be in there.

Lord give me strength to deal with this.... and the strength to tell my older two that they are not going to have a new sibling... "The baby changed it's mind... it wasn't ready to be here yet." Because now there are three again.