Stars

Just cause I didnt know what else to do at the moment... I decided to blog. I guess writing helps my mind. Its been my venting room forever... its now turned into a personal diary. A log of events. I want to save these forever. Maybe a blog for her? We all know I can design it...lol. I need a place to talk to her.

I miss her so much. I miss the kicking. I miss that feeling of having a baby inside of me. I felt so strange being wheelchaired out of the hospital... empty handed. Its strange going though the postpartum without having the joy of a baby... making the pain worth it.

This was the first time I ever asked for drugs for the contractions. I ALWAYS tough it out. I think this time I wasnt mentally able to stick with it. My heart knew what was waiting at the end. It wasnt going to be a happy ending. I feel guilty for taking the drugs. They effect the baby too. I wanted it to be as painless as possible for her.

I thought at first that I didnt want to hold her. But I did. I needed it. I wanted to say good bye to her. My heart was sooo set on her having a little bit of life inside of her. Just that moment that she can hear my voice. The comfort of it and not be scared when she passed. Was she confused? All the pushing of my uterus around her? Was it the drugs? Did it slow her heart?

I cant turn back the clock. I cant bring her back to me. I wish there was something more that I could have done for her. I am searching for a research foundation for her cause. I hope they have one. I want to spend her birthday money as a donation to her cause.

Im keeping the blanket the wrapped her in. Its all I have left of her. I didnt even get the ultrasound pictures. Do you think they save them? Maybe they will give me copies.

Tomorrow Michael and I are heading to Phoenix to finalize the burial plans. She will be laid to rest on Friday in Phoenix.

Katie asks if there is another baby in my belly. I dont mind it. Really I dont. I love it when she wants to go outside and look for her baby sister's Angel. She tells me, "I dont see her mom." I giggle. I find her innocence so comforting. My mom took her outside last night... they came to a conclusion... that maybe the stars are all the Angel babies. :) I like that idea. Now I cant stop watching the stars.

I will blog again tomorrow afternoon about the funeral arrangements.